and I said, "I'm not."
I have been taking some time to sort out the new sewing space and in doing so, I'm letting my mind wander. See. Touch. Accept.
Every day I come back to the piles, I see new things. Understand more. I am looking at the story of my life and contemplating how I feel about it.
From that conversation:
Just trying to consolidate and organizeSo many of my piles and deliberate separations don't mean anything anymore.
I see choices I made.
How I hid and tried to find happiness in this accumulation
Grasping at slivers of joy
When in truth it's making that gives joy
And using handmade that brings the most satisfaction
I long to sew again. But the time isn't right
I can be patient there
I think sometimes that I could make better use of the child-free evenings, but I know exploring other parts of myself is doing me so much good. I can't hide in the cocoon of quilting that I've lived in forever.
Quilting was coping. Stunted growth.
Stretch, and then come back to making.I need to stretch and then come back to making.
What is me and what were the walls I had built for myself? I am questioning everything. It feels good to do so, though it's not easy. It hurts less these days though, and that is good. Spring is coming, I can smell it. Change and growth. I want to wash off the old ideas that don't fit anymore. And my stash. Ugh. Just.. why? What was I thinking? And then I see it. So many times, I wasn't. I wasn't thinking, I was feeling. An acquisition would give a momentary rush. A new quilt idea would distract me for another hour, another day. But my life, where was it? Now I see. It's like I was sleeping and I have woken up.
So much truth. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteA time of contemplation and introspection. What you make next will certainly feel and look different because of it.:)
ReplyDeleteTake your time & take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you are going through a turbulent time but a lot of good is going to come from it. Thank you for letting us see a glimpse into your thought processes. At least buying for your stash is better than buying shoes - when you are ready you can make and create again!
ReplyDeleteSo good to get news from you, dear Jessica !
ReplyDeleteIntrospection takes time and courage, but there's always good coming out of it, always... You're on a new path, and after checking your life before, you'll soon be studying "the map" ahead of you. A prospect full of promises, I'm sure !
In stitches,
NADINE
I can relate, even though I haven't made a major life change--on the outside, anyway. I'm seeing how I was making compulsively to get away from aspects of my life that I needed to hide from myself. I'm also cleaning out my stash, and it feels so good to chuck the old. It also feels very good to not make much right now, and wait for new inspiration. I can see you're experiencing something similar. Growth and good come from slowing down. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou will start to create again when the time is right. Meanwhile enjoy this time of exploration.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear from you again. I'm sure the desire to create will re-emerge when you have the energy.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Creativity takes energy. But it will come back! Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and how much you've inspired me over the years. Hope things are going well. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this blog post. I haven't been able to sew or work on quilting for almost a year. My dear husband is ill and I am interrupted often. Quilting takes concentration, which I don't have much of now. But you've given me permission to say: "I am still a quilter even though I am not quilting."
ReplyDeleteI think of you often as I continue working on my epp projects. Hope you are doing well.
ReplyDeleteYour book - Quilting on to go - give me so much inspiration! I'm a beginner quilter and I enjoy it sooo much!!! Cheer up! Thanks for your works! From Hungary, a small europian country... :-D
ReplyDeleteHey I bought your book the other day and I decided stop by your blog
ReplyDelete=)
I lived in Japan too and I learned hand quilt there too and I saw this picture and I noticed the basket
Becuz I learned making that in japan too ! I love your book !
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteLong time no see on your blog. I was wondering how you're doing? Have you taken up quilting again or are you venturing into other another hobby('s)?
Have a nice weekend!
Ann
Thinking of you and hoping you have got your creative inspiration back. Xx jj
ReplyDeleteI'm very late in commenting, but I love this post. So true, so heartfelt. I have also used quilting as a way to hide myself from difficulties and worries in my life. It's been a compulsion at times, and a helpful one. I've also let go of the compulsivity lately. It takes courage to just sit with all the emotions and really see. But that's where the true beauty is.
ReplyDeleteCourage. yes, I have learned so much about that this year. Staying positive, looking for the good, and being gentle with myself. I want to create from a place of comfort, not tension. Thanks Nifty <3
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