Empty and full

Last night I sewed.  and sewed and sewed and sewed.

Yesterday my friend lost her fight with leukemia.  Her husband sent me a text around lunch.  I was in class with 9th grade.  A coworker covered for me and I ran to the bathroom to cry and let the shock set in with some privacy.
This week (this month? this summer? this year?) my mind and heart have been struggling with so many challenges.  Life choices. Changes. Possibilities and options.  None of them ideal, none perfect.  I have been consumed wondering which direction my life will take, how much effort I should put in choosing the course and how risky it is to just wait and see where circumstances lead me.

But then, she died.
And through the course of the day yesterday all of my thoughts cleared out and my heart was left with a hollow empty feeling.  Loss.  Sadness and loss.

(with a baby Jack in April, 2013)

She was a good friend.  Kind, caring, thoughtful.  She had made me many small items over the years and as I hid out with my sorrow and grief in my sewing room last night, I was struck by just how many gifts I have received.  She is all over in there.  Her friendship had permeated my life much more than I thought.  As I accidentally swiped the space bar while texting last night and switched to Japanese input, I paused and remembered how I installed it just for her.

Healing will take time.

But last night when I went to sew, the fabrics didn't look right.  I didn't know how to put them together.  My heart felt heavy.   My energy was blocked and I just sewed until it flowed through my hands and I was free, clear, and open.  Ready to accept new energy.  I let Tao fill all the places where sorrow was hiding and it felt so good to accept and let go.  To trust completely that my hands have the ability to heal my soul.  The universe will guide me.

My spiritual journey is one of the things I have hesitated to write about here, but last night it was so clear.  Making and feeling, trusting and healing are so tied together for me.  All of my quilts are healing quilts.  And that is why I will keep sewing.  Keep moving forward.  Follow Tao and trust in the path I'm on.  Action in non-action.  Things will sort themselves out as they should.