I am still a quilter even though I'm not quilting.

Yesterday a friend asked me, "What project are you working on?"
and I said, "I'm not."

I have been taking some time to sort out the new sewing space and in doing so, I'm letting my mind wander.  See.  Touch.  Accept.
Every day I come back to the piles, I see new things.  Understand more.  I am looking at the story of my life and contemplating how I feel about it.

From that conversation:

Just trying to consolidate and organize

So many of my piles and deliberate separations don't mean anything anymore.   

I see choices I made. 

How I hid and tried to find happiness in this accumulation 

Grasping at slivers of joy 

When in truth it's making that gives joy 

And using handmade that brings the most satisfaction 

I long to sew again. But the time isn't right 

I can be patient there 

I think sometimes that I could make better use of the child-free evenings, but I know exploring other parts of myself is doing me so much good.  I can't hide in the cocoon of quilting that I've lived in forever. 

Quilting was coping.  Stunted growth. 

I need to stretch and then come back to making.

Stretch, and then come back to making.

What is me and what were the walls I had built for myself?  I am questioning everything.  It feels good to do so, though it's not easy.   It hurts less these days though, and that is good.  Spring is coming, I can smell it.  Change and growth.  I want to wash off the old ideas that don't fit anymore.  And my stash.  Ugh. Just.. why?  What was I thinking?  And then I see it.  So many times, I wasn't.  I wasn't thinking, I was feeling.  An acquisition would give a momentary rush.  A new quilt idea would distract me for another hour, another day.  But my life, where was it?  Now I see.  It's like I was sleeping and I have woken up.

Unpacking

A couple boxes each day and I'm managing to unpack my new life.
This one was full of "keepsakes from Japan"

See my old cell phones?  J-Phone, hehe.  A flip phone, and it was powder blue.  I loved that thing.  K-tai straps, natsukashii~.  I found a bunch of notes from my old students (I taught at a high school in Hokkaido in 2001-2002) and going away presents from my friends.  For some reason I also saved all the points cards from all the shops I went to that year, including Kanariya <3 p="">
So, I found the sewing table.

 And then I buried it again so we could have our first play dates last weekend.

 I'm happy to report it looks much tidier now (though it's far from being in order or actually tidy-- but everything is relative), and Cricket is happy to have a constant source of entertainment for her curiosity.

We managed to get the tree up too (though it only has 3 ornaments at the moment).  Fingers crossed we can add more this weekend.  And that Jack treats the tree a bit better this year than last year...

Home Ec Club is making christmas ornaments tomorrow, if they come out cute, I'll try to get photos.

Cricket

Her name is Cricket.

She's super affectionate even though we're still getting to know each other.  She likes to be with me when I'm home and she's already very comfortable sleeping in my bed.  I adopted her from the Town of Hempstead Animal Shelter which was a great place to work with and if I lived closer, I'd consider volunteering there.  If you are local and need a kitty, please consider them.  Their website has many many photos, videos and stories of cats that need families.  Before I adopted Cricket, I made a list of all the cats I was interested in and went in one evening to check them out.  I pet a bunch, held a few, and tried to see which had personalities that would fit with my new life, my personality, and my children.  I had brought the boys on a separate visit and they got to meet Cricket before we decided (the shelter requires all family members come for a pre-adoption visit to get acquainted with the pet).  But the night I was there on my own, I worked my way through my list, asking about each kitty I had seen online that I thought might be a potential match.  The last 3 on my list weren't there.  I was puzzled.  Isn't the website kept up to date?  The volunteer said that the cats were there at the shelter, but they did not have enough cages to keep them on display in the 3 front viewing rooms.  My heart sank.  So many cats and I could only help one.  I adopted Cricket to free up her cage for one of the others and I sincerely hope that they find good homes soon.  I think I got a good match, but the boys meet her for real tonight and I guess then we'll have a better idea.  She's 8, not a kitten, and I hope she tolerates their.. energy.   I know it will take a while for everyone to get used to the changes, but I'm an optimist.

Thank you for all the kind wishes and support on my last post.  One of the things I have become aware of in the past year is the importance of speaking up and setting boundaries.  This is crucial to have healthy relationships with anyone, and I think it applies to the blog as well.  I sincerely appreciate that you guys respected that.  When we feel comfortable and accepted, it's easier to open up and be authentic.  Thank you for making that possible for me here.
xoxo

Happily Unmarried in 5...4...3...2..

(Not the photo I had wanted, but he refused to take a selfie with me)

So.  Along with quilting and book ideas and Get Started Quilting promotions, this past year I've also spent a lot of time and energy on another project.  Costas and I have undertaken the enormous task of untangling our lives and becoming "unmarried".  If you have undergone a similar process, you have some idea of what all this entails.  Some days I clung to quilting, other days I couldn't do much more than cry and grieve.  This is a process of growth, self examination, forgiveness and above all, self love.  It wasn't easy to say "no" to my old life in order to feel comfortable saying "yes" to myself, but it was necessary, and I do feel much healthier on this new path.

The past several months have been full of what seemed like limitless uncertainty.  I'm happy that things finally seem to be falling into place, or, the options now seem somehow more manageable.  I have a new place to live, I can sink deep into the comfort of a job I love, and soon a new routine will give life shape again.  Once I unpack and set up a new sewing space (I'll be joining the ranks of kitchen table quilters!), I may even have time, space and emotional energy to post stuff again.

If you also feel the need to grieve the end of my marriage, please do so, but I will ask that you respect this space and my process.  Most days I do not feel sad and I have dealt with a lot of the anger that comes with this change.  Your expressions of regret and "I'm sorry"s really don't help me much.  Your kindness, attention and support on the other hand, I don't know how I'll get through the future without them.  I love this community and have missed its comfort.  I went through incredible emotional upheaval but didn't feel comfortable talking about it here until now.  I look forward to sharing all of my healing quilts and using both the quilting process and the act of sharing them with you to help me along the way.

Comments are open but I probably can't reply to all of them.  If you'd like to contact me by email, you are welcome to do that too-- jessunderquilts at gmail
But please be patient with me, I just moved this past weekend and I've got a lot to juggle right now.
Thanks for being with me through this.
xoxo

p.s. Oh, and.. I got a cat.