So far, 2018 has been a lot about unpacking baggage. Some that I was ready to look at (this quilt, for one) and others that feel more like someone ripped open and dumped all my hard memories out into the present. Old ideas, old beliefs, that were well hidden and nearly forgotten about. But the social/political climate in America right now has many people uncomfortable as we look long and hard at choices we have made, action we took or didn't take, and secrets we have kept. I'm struggling a lot with this. I think it's fair to say I'm overwhelmed but functioning.
For as strong as I've gotten in these last 3 years, it seems the next level of adulting is always more challenging than the last. This past weekend Rich and I finally got to take some pics of my finished Radiating Squares quilt. Running through the yard was a much needed release from the stress of my reality-- dad had a stroke Friday night and once again I feel so very far away, both in distance and in time. I was well cared for by my chosen family though. Friends checking in, which I am so grateful for, but I had so little news to share. Even now, it still seems I am waiting, waiting. Not part of it, just watching and hurting. I don't yet know if or when I will be able to travel to see him. But in this decision, more baggage opens. If I go, am I the prodigal daughter? Am I dramatic/comic relief or am I actually helping? I have to believe that my presence means something, because if I don't, I just want to hide and shove all of these awful thoughts right back into the bag they came from.
If you're curious about how this quilt began, my old posts are here. It was part of a 2010 bee, originally inspired by a quilt I saw at the Empire Guild show in 2009.